The third by the neighbors barking chi-wawa
I base my fashion choices of what doesn’t itch or bind.
Having children is like have a bowling alley installed in your brain.
I’ve never been drunk, but often over served.
If you look good and dress well you don’t need a purpose in life
Two best sellers at the book store: Cookbooks and diet books. Cookbooks tell you how to prepare and the diet books tell you how to not eat any of it.
A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a whore who looks at her watch.
50-year-old men should not jump 20-foot dirt ramps on a motorcycle. If they do, they should not be surprised that they need to be carried up the stairs for three weeks.
People who hire their daughters boyfriend to paint the house should not be flabbergasted when she breaks his heart, the painting declines.
Dogs who eat painters putty have problems shitting for weeks.
Wine and Xanax is a good mix for stressed out natives as long as they have a ride.
I love people who are 100 percent authentic, even if that means they are assholes.