It is kind of like puberty, so much potential, physical upheaveal, and emotional challenges. Moon cycles change, body changes too and my mind, it is a confusing mess in there, a hot mess.
The doctors claim it is hormones, the sheets in the morning do not lie. I awake in a puddle of sweat each morning. I am lost, confused and feel, out of my body. Something is wrong. I have gained 30 pounds in 3 months and have quit eating. When I do eat, it is organic whole food.
I’m confused. I want to run away. My children are grown, husband and dog well trained. My businesses run without me. There is a voice in my head whispering, “Teri, it is time, your time.” What the fuck does that mean? Sure I paid my dues, been a dutifully wife, mother (even raised kid that weren’t mine) and friend. I helped and watched in agony as my little sister died too soon. Failed at businesses, finances, and marriages. I won awards, sold screenplays, and did nearly impossible tasks.
However, the slate is clear. All karmic bills paid. All chores done. All promises delivered. It is just me in the mirror, with a beard.
I’m confused. I always know the answer for everyone else; it is so easy, so transparent. Nevertheless, my destiny is a myriad of choices, paths, and obstacles. The biggest one being me. I can do anything, be anyone, but I don’t know what that is.
I need some time in the looking glass, and this time I will take the blue pill.