Pain, Pain, Pain (Caveat- this post is for women)

God has a strange sense of humor. Now that I am in the throws of menopause, about every three months, my old friend comes to visit and with a vengeance. Last night around 3:00 am I was torn from my Brad Pitt dream with searing pain in my belly and the o’ so familiar wetness. The pain was so bad that by 6:00 am I had to take a pain pill and crawl back into bed. The same bed that was wet from my night sweats! How can this be fair? How can we both be in menopause and still experiencing the horrors of our adolesance?

I have hot flashes so bad, I resemble “Miss Charlotte” with a fanning and flushing that always comes at a really appalling time (usually a cocktail party or when I am speaking in front of a group). The night sweats are so horrific, I have to wash my sheets every day. My husband says I get around 102 degrees every night, so he bought a body pillow so he wouldn’t accidentally roll over and touch me. My mood swings are so awful, that sometimes I think I just might kill someone. My boobs are bigger (okay-one good side affect). But my memory is for shit. I am used to remembering EVERYTHING. And now a period. A period so depilating I had to miss my appointment with my aesthetician. This double upsets me because she is also my pseudo- therapist, exercising my emotional demons as well as she does my black heads.

When I get to heaven and have my conversation with God, he had better have a good explanation for this double-hitter. What do men have to suffer? Shaving their faces? Well in menopause, now I do too!! It’s just not fair! I’m grumpy.