Where have I Been? Wedding Hell

On June 25, 2009 a nice boy asked my daughter to marry him. They planned a year long engagement. They set the date on the 50th wedding anniversary of his grandparents. Very sweet and gallant. Then my daughter got the flu, which the doctor explainedwas not the flu, but morning sickness. The wedding date was then moved up to September 27, 2009.

We begged them to do a small wedding, or run off to Vegas and do a large reception once the baby was born. But no, my daughter has this image in her head of her wedding and baby bump or not, she will have it. In the last three weeks, the bride has been put on bed rest, grown out of two vintage gowns, bridesmaids dresses were lost in the Matrix, and so on.
Normal stuff for planning a wedding, just a bit stressful for me, because I am the mother of the bride (MOB), she runs one of my businesses, and her hormones are out of control. Not to mention that we thought we would have a year to save and pay for all this and it is now 3 weeks away. Therefore, I don’t have time to even dry my hair in the morning, so instead of blogging, I am giving MOB Nervous Breakdown updates on Facebook and Twitter (follow me at teribayus). I thought I was being too chatty and coming off a bit bitchy, but I have had a bunch of people say they live for me updates, so they will keep coming. Like I was ever stoppable.

For those who want to catch up-here are my updates

MOB regiment: each day starts with coffee & rumcream, 1/2 blue pill, then into ocean. Rest of day, writing checks, lists & calming Bride

MOB words for today: “Your f*ing kidding right?” “It’s how much!!” “The weddings in 6 weeks” “Please, Please, I’m begging!” “I gotta relax!”

Wedding theme is 1940’s- any ideas?

Thank God for wine and girlfriends!

MOB nervous breakdown level RED: just got word my parents are coming in 5th wheel to stay whole month of Sept. Need dysfunctional deodorant!

Surreal neighbors. Daycare w/ small voices screaming “happy & ya no it”. Barking ChiWaWa’s. Man Wailing over crops. Bong hits. Only in CA. –

reviewed The Club Car & 500 Days of Summer. This tragic tale of young love makes me happy I’m old & settled. Club Car gets Culinary Cudos!

MOB nervous breakdown level: Orange. Just 12 hrs after buying a slice of heaven in Avila for wedding, bride gets put on????days of bedrest. –

MOB breakdown level: Pink. What’s Tulle & why do I need 700 yards of it?

mOB nervous breakdown level: Icing white. Why does 3 pounds of flour, sugar & eggs cost $700? I going into wedding cake business!

This MOB is shucking it all & going to see Inglorius Basterds. All is good when Brad Pitt is in Technicolor glory with Taratino directing.

MOB nervous breakdown level: Vinyl. Couldn’t sleep,spent all night picking wedding songs. Bride rejects all! What’s wrong w/Jimmy Buffett?

MOB list: dress(yes), Bride (bedridden), cake(WTF), venue(hot), caterer(perfect), groom(loves her), flowers(truck loads), MOB meds- wine

MOB is scourging estate sales & thrift stores for vintage items for wedding. Lovin pawin thru peeps shit. Farmers market organics for M2B.

Review of Inglourious Basterds & PI-Whole. Cinematic excellence by Tarrantino staring Brad Pitt-Brilliant. Pizza big & good! I want Brad Pie!

MOB nervous breakdown level: Red! Dr. Keeps Bride bedridden, but says “Weddings Ok. Find someone to do everything for you.” She Picks me

Besides being my daughter, Cheré runs my store. Now I must work her shifts, plan her wedding & cater to her bedridden. No stress in my life!

MOB update: (level Pink) The wedding is on! The wedding is on! Let the sleepless nights ensue!

MOB nervous breakdown level: Giggles.Bride says Groom is incharge of wedding plans.The deal-he gets puppy poop picked up-he can pick his tux

Arguing w/ a prego bride, what an idiot! My MOB douchiness factor amazes even me. *Pats self on the back & toddles off to get feet rubbed*

MOB nervous breakdown level: Creole- bride changed menu for 4th time. Wedding will soon be catered by the Taco Bell $1 menu.

MOB new mantra: “What ever you want dear!” *nods head with enthusiasm, big teeth showing smile* (Then does it my way).

Reviewed “Shorts” & Mandarin Gourmet. Due Wed. in all Tolosa Press’s Pulp Pulitzer Publications. Loved The General’s palette for chicken.

MOB shout out to Deb at Doughboy’s! Saved my ars on rehearsal dinner-she’s a saint & worlds best cook. Ordering y’all to try a pizza 474-8888

MOB nervous breakdown level: Orange. Bride off bedrest but not hormones. Now she can yell at me standing up.

23 days until wedded bliss. So many things to do. So many checks to write. It will be beautiful even if I have to kill people in my path.

Glee is back! I’m a happy, excited, gleefully super happy geek! Haven’t been this happy since I played the lead in Brigadoon in High School.

MOB nervous breakdown level: plaid(thanks Kari). Tin-can livin’ parental units want to spend every waking minute w/me. Wedding be damned!

husband is adorkable! This week, 3 new listings, 2 escrows closing, preparing auction items for Rotary Event & all that cake to sample

Saw Julia & Julie again. Loved it more! I was distracted at 1st screening, BrAngelina & tribe were in row behind me. Wanna debone a duck!

Reviewed Julie & Julia and the Èclair Bakery. Both equally delicious & Fun. Inspired me to make Baked Alaska & Foie Gras for breakfast

MOB Nervous Breakdown Level: Red. It matches the ugly rash of unknown orgin hoovering around my mouth. High on Sudafed. Drs scratching head.

How I love coming home to a clean house! I’d go without food before I’d lose my maids. Plus husbands at a Rotary meeting- ahh sanctuary! LIG

MOB description of true love: after a harrowing, stress day, it’s 11:30- I’m in garage assisting husband installing jetski parts w/ power tools.

MOB nervous breakdown level: Blue- lots of little blue pills! Nothing will bother me tonight!

MOB nervous breakdown level: Green! Found out 2 very talented men will be helping with hair, dress, flowers, decorations & shoes! Happy me!

Trying on MOB dresses makes me wish I was a soulless stick figure kind of girl. Arrgghhhhh!

MOB nervous breakdown level: Nuclear! Just tried on my first Spanx. I’m traumatized for life!

My dog is licking holes into his skin. I think I am freaking him out! We are both going for a long walk on and into the ocean.

Wedding update: bridesmaid dresses gone according to automated email.Brides 2nd dress doesn’t fit.Trip to LA to fix wardrobe malfunctions

MOB finds the only thing that calms her down & makes her happy is watching The Big Bang Theory show. Star Trek, physics humor is my muse.

MOB Went to download and regroup at Gather Wine Bar- it was magical! Kari has a great gift for hospitality. MOB nervous breakdown level is non-exisitant now. Thanks Kari, good wine and specatular wine friends.

MOB had to run Impior today because employees are Brides Maids & their dresses were lost in translation. They went to LA with expess instructions to come back with dresses. They ordered “fabulous” ones due to be shipped due 9/19. Wedding is 9/27. MOB has a bad feeling.

MOB ordered to create vintage crystal doodads-6 blinding hrs later bride says no, “Less is more” (*Nods, smiles & will put them on her cake).

Teri Bayus Where we will live after the wedding breaks us. California dreaming! http://twitpic.com/gi7ww

MOB-23 days until wedded bliss. So many things to do. So many checks to write. It will be beautiful even if I have to kill people in my path.

Teri Bayus Is combing estate sales looking for Vintage. Please tell me why anyone would save & then try to sell plastic cups, used candles & 1 sock?

MOB Put husband in charge of dinner. It’s like living with a 5 year old with a wallet.

MOB nervous breakdown level:White. No white Cala Lillies in Sept. Thinking about snipping neighbors wild ones. Weird how flowers & Tule never entered my universe until I became a MOB. The advantage to planning a wedding in 6 weeks (3 weeks left) is brevity.

MOB Funny:If you receive an email from the Dept. of Health warning you not to eat canned pork due to swine flu risk, ignore it. It’s just Spam.

MOB confession: Michael’s craft store is like fluffy crack. No MOB should go in with a credit card or a wedding in 3 weeks. Lord (and Gary) forgive me for tule, miles of pearls, swaraski crystals & $10 bows.

MOB had to put dog- Tripper in the “Cone of Shame”. This is what happens when you eat your ars.

From: Yolonda-I miss the hilarity of your life!! No one has a life like you do 🙂 You so lucky!!! Hugs
September 9 at 8:21am ·

Comment Teri Bayus
Thanks Yoli- Glad to entertain! It is mayhem right now, you would be laughing your head off.

MOB word of the day: VISCERAL. Example: I have a visceral reaction when Caller ID shows it’s my mother. (Who fortunately doesn’t tweet or Facebook).

MOB trifecta of dysfunction. Parents, son & hormonal bride all discuss ceremony with me. Biggest concern: No Scotch served at wedding.

Dr. gave valium for severe MOB nervous breakdowns. Taking it is like being in a movie produced by David Lynch & directed by Tim Burton where every role is played by Carrot Top. Happy MOB buys more sparkly items.

MOB spent all day with Franc & Eddie-Wedding Planers, Floral geniuses & decorating gurus-even bride is pleased. Off to buy 30 dz roses!

What this MOB won’t do for her bride! I braved the evil empire-Walmart-to buy miles of pearls, crystals, & Gary needed socks!

MOB Word of the Day: BELLICOSE: inclined or eager to fight; aggressively hostile; belligerent. Example: “To get wedding vendor on task, MOB had to bring out the bellicose Personality”.

I just bought cottage cheese & the exp. date will last longer than my daughters single life! MOB panic in isle 4, wedding is in 13 days!

FOB-Gary made the best ice cream pie to date: Keepler chocolate crust, Ben & Jerry peanut butter Ice Cream, Nutter Butter cookies, Hagen Das chocolate Ice Cream with Smuckers hot fudge! He is a decadent desert designer- & I love that!

Reviewed the movie “9” and Frankie & Lola’s cafè in Morro Bay. Both executed with creativity & perdition. Perfect pancakes & animation.

MOB Nevous Breakdown Level: Orange. Just found out the coveted and ohhhh so expensive “chair covers” may not fit the venues chairs. Final count down of guests jumped to more than we have seats for(I told the Bride she could eat outside, she… didn’t find it funny)and wedding planners can’t find the right shade of branches for the centerpieces. The wine being stored in my garage is no longer safe from this MOB.

MOB question of the day: Is it appropriate to kill ones husband 10 days before the wedding? Or will maiming do?

Every mother generally hopes that her daughter will snag a better husband than she managed to do…but she’s certain that her boy will never get as great a wife as his father did.
MOB Nervous Breakdown Level: White. Bride has 8 days to find white shoes- & it’s after Labor Day! Bedazzled Cons is my suggestion.

To MOB friends: Thank you all and we are doing all this stressing and planning so the day will be priceless! We do have a unique situation in that she works at my store (thus held hostage together 6 hours every day) and she has a bun in the oven. It will be beautiful and fun, even it I have to kill people to make it happen 🙂

Any wedding goes thru stages: enthusiasm, complication, disillusionment, argument, bewilderment, decoration & finally cake & champagne.

MOB scouring the town for vintage cutlery since 8am. Me & Z’s provided a welcome reprive, excellent food & margaritias. Even FOB is sated.

Can someone suggest an appropriate gift for MOB to give bride at shower? Lingerie & toys just feels weird.

MOB review of Joe’s Place & Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs this thursday in Tolosa Press. It is foggy with a chance of Pancakes in Pismo

MOB breakdown level:Orange. 6 days till wedded bliss & so much to do! It’s lists, beauty prep & deep breaths(& keeping MOB out of the wine)

MOB is in Bliss. After 6 weeks of planning daughters wedding (5 days away)MOB & FOB engage in adults gymastic activites for stress release. LIG

MOB nervous breakdown: Liver. I bought enough liquor to take down lg country. Guests at wedding will be sloppy happy. Anti-DUI bus booked

MOB Nervous Breakdown Level: Green! Looked at my bank balances- weddings are expensive! I’m enforcing the “no return” policy with son-in-law

MOB Nervous Breakdown Level: Yellow. Spent so much time at Dollar Tree, they have my picture on each register. God bless bridal stuff that’s $1.00. Now if only they sold champagne!

MOB nervous breakdown level: Red- brides eyebrow wax caused breakdown. Grooms suit is fitted for a midget & MOB still can’t breath in Spanx.

Glee is the only comfort & escape for this MOB! I freaking love this show. It’s perfect brain candy. FOB now forcing me to watch South Park.

MOB nervous breakdown level: Green. 4 days to go & I’m so excited I can’t sleep! It’s all beauty, pick ups & coasting now. Family & friends are rolling into Pismo. It’s going to be a gorgeous, fun & special event- I can’t wait! My baby’s getting married!

MOB Shout Out: I have the best friends in the universe. If I don’t say it before, during or after the wedding- Thank you for your support, advice, wine, food, etc. Couldn’t have done this without you!

MOB nervous breakdown level: GREEN: facial, hair do’s & giggles calmed me down. World’s best florist/designers have created wedding magic!

MOB nervous Breakdown Level- Orange: Wedding in 3 days, 2 employees out sick, brides hormones make opinions not safe. MOB’s into the wine.

MOB-Last minute details, zillions of pickups, bachalorette party tonight. 1st time all famlies blend. Let’s hope everyone plays nice. Fingers crossed.

MOB tramatized.Bachelorette party.Male strippers & my mother interacting have seared my eyes shut.Who knew men were bendy like that! Whoop!
September 26 at 12:33am

Teri Bayus ahhhhh. wedded bliss, what a perfect day! Everything was beautiful. Tired MOB slepping for one week! Pictures to follow.
September 27 at 10:28pm

From Cody : 7/27/09 8:00 pm
Thank u so much for today. No one that glamous of a wedding but u made it happen for me and ur daughter. It was unreal. That u so much i love u
My answer: That is so nice of you to say! I love you so much and happy to have you in the family!
From Britani: Okay sweet! BEST FUCKING WEDDING EVER! Everyone said so!

This Post Has One Comment

  1. KRCampbellArt

    OMG! You have several books and movies with this/these stories. That's the upside I guess. I was reading your blog with interest because I want to begin a new venture – making a documentary. Gulp. I went to film school many years ago and things have changed enough that I might be able to afford to do this. Beginning life, again, at 56.

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